i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
It's 3am, i just got back from ht e bars and registered for classes larteeeeee. History of baseball at 8am? at least ill meet the only stragiht gusy at NYU!
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
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