all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
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