: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
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