Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
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Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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