I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
well, you know. whores of a feather.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Randomize
