In America we eat man semen.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
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