My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
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