I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Randomize
