Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
