Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
