please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
I have tasted many bathrooms
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
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