so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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