I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Randomize
