They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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