I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
did you just send me my own nude
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
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