I wish I could teleport
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
