y did u give ur computer a hand job?
it's too hot outside to masturbate.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
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