R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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