My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
