Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize
