Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Randomize
