That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
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