I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
