I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
