I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
I murdered the dance floor call the cops
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Randomize
