Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
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