I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
