i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
I'm determined to sit on that face.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
