i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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