so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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