i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Randomize
