Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize