Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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