a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
