peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Randomize
