I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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