I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
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