I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
It's blow job season.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
