i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
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I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
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This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
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