I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
