i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Randomize
