The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize
