Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Randomize