I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
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