im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Randomize
