We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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