Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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