Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
I'm both gender and math confused
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
