The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
