peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
