one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
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