K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
