I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize