I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
Randomize
