Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
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