sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
