I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Randomize
